61 candles : outlookindia.com

61 candles : outlookindia.com

OPINION
61 candles
Time is only a pattern on the verities equated with India
Bishwadeep Moitra
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Special Issue: Independence Day Special
As our beloved India turns 61—in terms of significance an inconsequential double-digit before the sheer sweep of history—do we have much to cheer? We sit on the debris of bomb blasts that keep dismembering us with clockwork regularity. The 'cash for vote' scandal, and the insights it afforded into the collective conscience of our elected beacons of democracy, may not have jolted many of us, but since the world saw our naras hanging out of our pants, noises were made about the defiling of the sanctum sanctorum of our democracy. The chair of the House is more upset about the spectacle of wads of notes being bandied about inside the ring in which he was master, and that the whole world witnessed the circus.

How do we celebrate our birthday in the midst of such miserable climes? To liven up things and make the occasion seem momentous, let us begin with giving the do a sexy name. The latinised "India-LXI" sounds hip. It gives India the personality of an automobile on the fast track. Chrome-finish it to cover the rough edges. Position it at mid-market so that many can get on the curry train. The branding 'LXI' befits our old-country new-nation legacy because the acronym wears a gladiatorial crown forged in Augustan Rome. Let us clamber on to this wagon and look for 61 of India's most defining characteristics, without which our country would not have been half as desirable and alluring as she is.

1. A billion plus people—barring a fraction, simple and always smiling.

2. The mountains, the beaches, the desert, the snow...we have everything.

3. Lots of sunshine, lots of moonlit nights, lots of rain...we are an all-season country.

4. Tie & dye, block print, Bandhani, Kanjivaram, Ilkal...our pret-a-porter need not be cut and stitched to size.

5. Rasam, ghee bhaat, poha, nihari...even if you have one starter a day, by the time you sample them all it could take more than a year before you tried everything. And we have not even started laying out the main dishes and desserts on the table yet.

6. Chunaw (Elections)—despite our crooked politicians we still go out to vote and elect our representatives.

7. The chaos. It is ubiquitous—airports, railways, roads, schools, hospitals...we have learned to 'adjust' and carry on with cheer and equanimity.

8. Baksheesh. A small tip works the system like it does nowhere else.

9. Jugaad. We can even make a water-pumping machine double up as a multi-utility vehicle.

10. Padayatra. We still believe that by just walking endless miles we can bring about a revolution.

11. English. The many ways only we know how to speak it.

12. The vernacular—our very own 14 official languages, the verbs of which take care of the degree of politeness and respect you want to accord, making the use of thank you and sorry redundant.

13. Our cultural heritage. Though we do precious little to preserve it, we are extremely proud and sensitive of any criticism.

14. Debate. We are past masters in being argumentative.

15. Morning defecation. Which other country will have almost its entire population shit between 7 and 8 in the morning? You know when not to call.

16. Burp. An appreciation of food just consumed.

17. Breaking wind. Telling the world that your digestive system is kicking all right.

18. Camaraderie—often manifested in men holding hands as they walk on the street. You will completely be off the mark if you read any sexual overture in the bonding.

19. Shakti. Women in position of power.

20. Children. They are a divine blessing and we don't say no to the gods.

21. Servants.
We don't have a problem calling them so. Driver, maali, cook, malishwala, presswala. ..pay a pittance for their services and live like a royal. We are only generating employment for the dispossessed.

22. Jagte raho. Keep awake, that's what your nightwatchman is shouting when he is not blowing the whistle in the night.

23. Horn Please. You are telling the world that you too have arrived.

24. The loudspeakers of temple, mosques, gurudwaras...we actually give donations to make them going. To hell with our morning sleep.

25. Cows, buffaloes, dogs, cats, monkeys, elephants...we all cohabit with each other. Unity in biodiversity.

26. Common minimum programme. We are okay with the bare minimum our ruling masters deem fit for our prosperity.

27. Compromise formula. Gives us room to carry on with the dispute.

28. Homeopathy. A post-retirement employment guarantee option.

29. Ayurved and yoga. A cool way to earn foreign exchange.

30. Sadhus and mysticism. Some more ways to make moolah—desi or foreign.

31. Bollywood, Tollywood, Mollywood. Hollywood has failed to vanquish us.

32. Repair Man. Practically anything can be repaired. Any make, any model. For a pittance.

33. Bargaining. It's a national sport.

34. Laughing Clubs. What an idea, sirji.

35. Kumbh Mela, not just the world's largest human congregation.

36. Free Music Concerts. Where else in the world will you hear the world's greatest musicians perform without you having to spend a dime?

37. Flyovers. These elevated traffic intersections are found everywhere in world, but only we have given them a supersonic name, whereas all they do is to take you from one traffic snarl to the other, only a little bit faster.

38. Masala Curry. Irreplaceable.

39. Calendars & New Years. Each region has its own. Baisakhi, Ugadi, Poila Boishakh, Sankranthi, Vishu...so many parties if you want to make one.

40. Our Gods. We easily are ahead of the Greeks.

41. Spitting. No one will call you a 'bad boy' if you do that.

42. Nakhrewalis. (Naaka, Some more...). God, could there be a variant in any other culture?

43. Ladies queue. Chivalry is not dead yet.

44. Morning Walks. A practice reminiscent of Independence struggle—Prabhat Pheri, still popular, though for different reasons.

45. Vice-free. We take great pride in being teetotaler, vegetarian and celibate.

46. Comb in the hip-pocket. Indian male's vanity kit.

47. Talcum powder. We even don't spare our face from liberal application.

48. Fairness Creams. The whiter the better.

49. Gyms and Beauty Parlours. Even as we gorge butter-chicken, pakoras and desi-ghee, these one-stop shops are meant to fix all our ugliness.

50. Rahu-kalam. We know exactly when not to venture out.

51. God Promise. Kasam se. Get away with a white lie.

52. Exchange offer. Long before the West cracked this economic model, our grandmothers were exchanging old clothes for new utensils.

53. Kabariwala. Recycle. We beat the West at this one too. All your junk fetches a price right on your doorstep.

54. Parents' home. Will always be open for you.

55. Benaras. World's oldest extant city.

56. Cutting chai. Buy one get two.

57. Ambassador. A WWII relic, still a symbol of power.

58. Nodding. Yes or no, we nod our head in the same way, giving ourselves plenty of room to manoeuvre.

59. Spectator Sport.Not just cricket, we are equally passionate about the Brazilian soccer team.

60. Long tresses of the Bharatiya Nari.

61. Jai Hind. Should have been Jai Bharat, but we take immense pride in us being an ancient civilisation.

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